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Against Exercise Machines

Against Exercise Machines

This is a piece from the column Good Fit, which is about exercise.

The devices are well-known to anyone who has ever peered through a gym's plate-glass window or drifted off to watch an infomercial at midnight. View, for instance, the Abs Organization Vertical Crunch machine. With a swivel seat and plate-loaded core training in a seated position for just $2,599, this sleek and sturdy item makes it easy to switch to targeting your obliques. Included are free shipping and an extended warranty. Not included are: Familiarity with the indisputable truth that you might have played out exactly the same exercise that this machine offers for $0. Do some damn situps by placing your feet under the couch and holding a large rock. Oh, how simple it is!

Allow me hurriedly to convey that I am not singling out the Abs Organization Vertical Crunch machine for disdain. Our nation's basements, recreation rooms, and strip-mall L.A. Fitness franchises are overflowing with thousands of hefty, expensive, and completely unnecessary exercise machines. The $2,900 BodyKore Seclusion Series Hip Adductor/Abductor machine can be supplanted by crushing a ball between your knees. The $4,000 Muscle D Smith Machine can be supplanted by crouching with a weighty blockade. The same sandbag can be used to replace the $4,170 Steelflex Shoulder Press machine. By curling the same sandbag up and down, the $2,000 Body-Solid Pro Clubline Series II Arm Curl Machine can be replaced. (That might be the third series.) I could continue. Do you wish that I continue?

You can get rid of your $4,800 treadmill by walking your hermit ass down the street.

The presence of a whole assembling industry committed to creating costly bits of hardware that can all be effectively and successfully supplanted by "yourself and perhaps some soil" is something odd. Why is this monument to inefficiency there? Let me try to answer this question in a way that is more clear: Why is this monument there? because the industry of exercise machines doesn't really exist to "help people exercise." If that were the objective, the entire endeavor would merely consist of a brief, illustrated book featuring stick figures performing pushups and squats. The idea that "working out" is something special, an esoteric skill that can only be practiced with the assistance of Bowflex machines that resemble airplane cockpits, which can only be used within the confines of a brightly lit gym that you pay to enter while being supervised by qualified "personal trainers," who you also pay, serves instead to help enable an even larger scam. They will trick you into thinking that you need to buy a $1,500 Peloton with a video screen, from which the same personal trainers can virtually nag you if you think you can just pedal an old exercise bike for a while.

Lies! They're all lies! This system is carefully constructed to deceive you in every way possible. It's a big scam that not only takes your money but also, in a cruel twist, makes it impossible for you to get a good workout. Additionally, the scam is based on exercise equipment. After all, when you think of "a gym," what do you think of? You can almost certainly picture a large area filled with this pointless exercise equipment. Hell, I could give you a gym that is much more useful if I took out all the machines and left you with just the empty floor, a few rusty weights, and the deepest fears you have ever been afraid to face. That is now a gym. That is a gym that will help you get in shape with your own inner drive, which is fueled by trauma that you turn into physical rage and exercise to release. That is one hell of a gym. The only issue is that no one will pay $79.99 each month for that exercise center.

Therefore, exercise equipment must cost hundreds of thousands of dollars just to give that empty room the appearance of a "gym." Who benefits from this? The activity machine organizations get compensated forThe rec center organizations get compensated. Additionally, the "personal trainers" who have absorbed countless esoteric texts in order to acquire sufficient knowledge to instruct you to "sit on the seat there and then push the chest press thing forward" are compensated. You, the poor rube who wanted to "work out" but has been reduced to a dreary circuit of sitting on padded benches and pushing on isolationist machines in a pale and ineffective exercise simulacrum, are the losers in this system. You are now broke and in poor physical condition. What a complete con.

Permit me to tell you something about myself that you may not be aware of: I feel great after completing a full-body workout. How much did the cutting-edge equipment I used to achieve this state of physical and mental fitness comparable to nirvana cost in total? Well, I combined the gravitational pull of the planet Earth's 6-billion-trillion-metric-ton mass with the arms and legs that God gave me for free. First, I used my arms to push away from the Earth.After that, I used my legs to push away from the Earth. Then I pulled away from the Earth by grabbing the bars of a jungle gym and going a little crazy. Mommy, why is the strange, sweaty man in the playground? A child inquired. However, children are unable to even vote, much less make judgments about me or my life. The point is that I never used an exercise machine that cost thousands of dollars, despite pushing, pulling, pressing, pumping, running, jumping, or spending any money.

The Gym Industrial Complex does not want you to know this, friends. You don't need them. There is no need for enormous steel-welded machines that replicate a single movement in a single plane of motion. You do not require a high-tech cardio machine to experience the same sensation of propelling yourself along the Earth's surface. They are not only pointless; They are inferior to the human body's unrestricted and free movement throughout space. The entire con starts to fall apart when you realize that. If you don't need all those machines, a fancy gym won't cost you as much. You don't need a fancy gym or personal trainer if you don't want to. When you consider the enormity of the fraud that the exercise machine industry has been perpetrating upon generations of innocent Americans who were merely seeking guidance in Getting Pumped, you can obtain the motivation to go outside and push against the Earth.

In fact, grabbing hold of an exercise machine and dragging it to the dumpster is the best way to get a workout out of it. You can even earn money doing that.

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